here i go again

today was the first time in a long time that i planted myself down at home and did nothing.
been out nearly every single day;today was that much needed rest.

i can't help how sometimes i only see the bad side of things.
take relationships for example.
im so terrified and jaded by it that the minute a potential one appears,i feel like a scared rabbit in front of the overwhelming headlights of a car.
this time,my feelings are clear and through.
and ive even made them known.(ya,okay stop gasping.)
i know what i want,though i just don't know when.

i want so much to find happiness.
i want so much to have a guy who'll call me up when i'm sad,and hold my hand through the good and awful times.
i want so much to have someone to turn to when i'm far too depressed to confide in my family or my bestfriends.
i want so much to care for someone(who's worthy of it).

so why the fuck am i holding back right?
yeah,i hear you scream that.
nadie practically shrieked that on the phone.

truth is...i dont know.
i've got this image stuck in my head each time i think of tears.

of me leaning against an MRT door and feeling my heart aching so fucken much.
of my tears streaking down uncontrollably.
of me pulling a hand that refused to grasp my own.

that's probably my worst memory of a breakup.

here i am,pretty much just staring at 2 different pathways.
where will i go,where would each lead?

please guide me.

love,nafeesa.

p.s thanks badron for your worldly advice on this.heh.